Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Is Oprah even human
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
