Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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