My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
