Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
