She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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