I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
