It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
