You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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