i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize