Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
only you would photoshop your dick
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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