if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
