I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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