omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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