so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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