and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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