at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You can't just leave with hair like that
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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