Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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