I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
