My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
