I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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