My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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