Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
