I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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