if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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