is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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