u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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