I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Randomize
