The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
