I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
