My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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