I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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