when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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