I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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