Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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