Im at strip club and am horny
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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