i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I intend to get homeless drunk
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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