dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
