I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
