Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
