you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
