hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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