does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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