He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
