I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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