I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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