I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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