I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You're like the curious george of whores
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
