Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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