Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize