okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
