On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
