You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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