I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
