My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize