i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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