getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
bring money and cleavage
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
