someone get that fucking seahorse.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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